Contempt is built over time. It is a result of pain, hurt, and resentment that has come together to shade the lens through which we see our partner negatively. When we are in this space, it is hard to see the active, positive actions our partner does, even after there have been identifiable changes within the relationship and how you all engage with one another. It can still be challenging to be active in building that culture of appreciation.
A culture of appreciation is built through a twofold process. As a partner, you need to be aware of your actions/behaviors and how they impact the relationship and consistently work towards any agreed-upon changes. And you also need to be mindful of the efforts your partner is making.
Can I see and acknowledge what my partner is doing right?
This statement is the foundation of building a culture of appreciation within the relationship. That’s it. It is acknowledging what your partner is doing well. In addition, it is important to work towards building appreciation, fondness, and admiration in the relationship. The goal is to bring warmth and affection into the relationship and to build (and maintain) companionship (Gottman & Gottman, 2018). Much like how the four horsemen (especially contempt) create a darkly shaded lens to see our partner through, even when they are trying, appreciation, fondness, and admiration make a more positive lens for us to see our partner through.
When you feel seen, appreciated, and validated by your partner, you are more willing to give them the same grace. So when conflict arises, and you may get into a heated discussion, you have this positive framework of your partner built via the appreciation, validation, and admiration communicated over time. You are more likely to see your partner through a positive lens and are more likely to give them the benefit of the doubt.
