(re: Communication Part I: Gottman’s Four Horsemen)
In Communication Part I, you learned about the impact of the Four Horsemen (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling) on a relationship and How Gottman was able to utilize this information to help predict the longevity of a relationship (particularly the likelihood of divorce) with 90% accuracy. Of course, if these things are present within your relationship, it could contribute to overall harm, disconnect, and discontentment. However, there are antidotes for the Four Horsemen that can significantly improve the communication within your relationship.
Listed below are the antidotes. In upcoming sessions, you will be given different tools to help you achieve them.
Four Horsemen Antidoes:
1. Criticism’s antidote is a gentle start-up.
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- Under a gentle start-up, you are expressing your feelings through the use of “I” statements, avoiding critical/blaming language, and expressing positive needs.
2. Contempt’s antidote is building a culture of appreciation
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- Building a culture of appreciation is shaped by reminding yourself of your partner’s positive qualities, finding gratitude for positive actions, and giving your partner the benefit of the doubt.
3. Defensiveness’s antidote is taking responsibility.
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- Taking responsibility requires that you have empathy (seeing, understanding, and validating your partner’s perspective/experience) and be able to apologize for anything you may have done to contribute to the emotions they are expressing.
4. Stonewalling’s antidote is physiological self-soothing
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- Physiological self-soothing means that while being emotionally triggered (flooded), you take responsibility for your actions and take time to self-soothe when needed, even if this means taking a break. It is not your partner’s responsibility to regulate your emotions and behaviors. Even if you feel like they triggered your response, you are in control of how you choose to respond.
