Your communication cycle refers to how you and your partner choose to engage with one another when it is time to have a discussion. Our communication styles are shaped by our lived experiences, specifically those experiences we had growing up within our family or origin. In other words, how did we learn to communicate within our childhood homes?
When communicating with our partners, we are colliding both styles of communication together, creating our own unique cycle. You are a system working in tandem with one another to maintain homeostasis/equilibrium.
Homeostasis is a state of balance within the family system, and everyone has a role in the balancing of said system (Seshadri, 2019).
The system is like a watch. When you think about the functionality of this item, each part of the watch keeps that watch ticking. If one gear stops turning, if one spring stops working, if one screw falls loose, the clock stops working. Every part of that watch gives the watch the ability to keep time. Your family system (in this case, the couple’s system) functions very similarly. You and your partner do things to maintain your system (cycle) of communication and the outcomes that are seen from these conversations.
Now, a state of homeostasis does not always equate to something positive.
For example:
Let’s say that one partner grew up in an extremely verbally contentious family, and the other partner grew up in a family where most issues were swept under the rug and never really addressed. These are two very different households, but each partner has internalized their experiences similarly. The partner with the contentious family learned that if they stayed quiet, the conversation could end, and everyone could move on. On the other hand, their partner pretty much never saw conflict or conflict resolution growing up, so they avoided conflict altogether.
Now, when they come together as a couple, every time one of them has an issue with the other person, nothing ever gets addressed because both have learned to be non-confrontational from their families of origin. For them, this is their homeostasis. This is normal for them. And both of them are doing things to maintain this “brush it under the rug” attitude, even though they may be doing it for different reasons. From the outside looking in, this cycle of avoidant communication harms their relationship, whether they realize it or not. What is considered “balanced” or “normal” for the family system does not always mean “healthy.”
When thinking about our communication cycle, it is essential to identify “in what ways do I contribute to the outcomes of these conversations” because, much like the parts of a watch, you both are doing things to maintain the system’s overall functionality. If one (or both) of you stop whatever your contributions are, the system that has been created cannot function in its normal capacity anymore.
Note: just because both partners contribute to maintaining the communication cycle does not mean that all actions and behaviors are weighted equally. While everyone has a role in keeping this watch ticking, sometimes our actions do more harm than our partner’s, and we must accept that. One of the most essential parts of a watch is the case. If the case is broken, it cannot house the inner parts of the watch. Sometimes our actions are the cracking the case of the watch, while our partner’s actions are loosening screws. Both the case and the screws are needed, but damage to one will do more harm to the overall function of the watch than the other.
