During conflict, it can be very easy to become overwhelmed. Whether it is because the content of the conversation triggers you, how the conversation is going, or how the conversation is making you feel, you can become anxious, frustrated, agitated, panicked, and thus reactive during times of conflict, saying things we don’t mean and reacting to something in a way we did not intend. This process can be referred to as emotional flooding. Emotional flooding describes moments when we begin to feel physiologically and psychologically unorganized and overwhelmed. We tend not to be the best communicators or listeners in that physiological and psychological arousal state.
These emotions that pop up during these times are not right or wrong; they just are. We do not need to avoid or feel bad for having them, but we are responsible for managing them. To have effective conversations, we need to have the ability to self-soothe when we are feeling flooded.
Self-soothing is a tool (or tools) used to regulate strong affect or emotional discomfort (Wright, 2009). We use things to calm down or relax when feeling emotionally flooded or anxious, and we keep these items in our “toolbox.” Typically, toolboxes have multiple tools ready for use. Sometimes, you need a screwdriver so the wrench won’t cut it. Sometimes, you need the hammer and not the pliers. There are several tools to cover all types of projects. Your coping skill toolbox should be full of different tools, as well, because there will be times when you are unable to use one, so you need to be able to use another. In this, it is essential to have access to multiple self-soothing techniques that you can utilize at different times for different purposes.
When in an argument, it is important to be able to regulate your emotions so their presence doesn’t end up dominating the conversation. When you feel overwhelmed, take a break, use self-soothing techniques to ground yourself, and return to the discussion afterward.
